Talk about my grandparents.  It just shows what kind of person you are.  Oh man, I am sooooooooooo pissed......... 

Current Mood: pissed off

The most romantic thing I have done for someone is wake up at like 4:00 in the morning to make this whole maze thing.  Let me explain.  First I found objects in the house that I had a whole bunch of.  This included shoes, toothpicks, shells, beads, etc.  So I started in the bedroom and wrote this huge thing on the floor that said "I love you" in Q-tips.  Then I took shoes and lined them up so they "walked" into the kitchen.  Where I wrote on a flower pot, "I love you." more walking shoes to the fridge.  I wrote in magnets and these things that glow "I love you"  then I put about a gazillion beads on the floor that made shapes of arrows to the hallway, where I wrote in shells, "SO MUCH"

I just got out of the hospital yesterday.  I was very very depressed.  And now I feel amazing.   They put me on some new medication, and I feel fantastic.  I have to go to my therapist in a couple of minutes.  I don't know what that is going to be like.  She is a new therapist for me.  Well I probably should get going and get gas in my car.  I will write more later.

I told my mom that I was going for a walk.   I took the car and drove myself to cvs.  all the while hoping that the managers wouldn't see me.  but they did.  i was wearing my hood over my head in hopes that they wouldn't recognize me.  Carol came down from the office and peered over, but i still don't know whether she saw who it was or not.  my mission, to finally get up the nerve to talk to amanda.  she was helping someone with photo, and I had to wait.  nervously picking at my lips, waiting for the customer to decide what she was doing, i waited.  finally the customer was done with the machine, and I walked up to the photo counter.  "hey amanda, can I talk to you for a minute."  i didn't know what kind of response I was about to receive.  We ended up talking for about 5 minutes, and I asked her about my plans for the strange little girls reunion.   Her face said it all.  When I mentioned the plans she sort of jumped, and said the mention of the words, "strange little girls"  sent a shiver down her spine.  When I think of those same words, I have a totally different response.  I don't remember the bad times, I remember all the fun and excitement that filled that time and space.   Although it was so long ago, i feel like it were yesterday.  My memory likes to jump back and relive all those times, when everything was so innocent.  When we were all on the verge of creating a new chapter in our story.   So all and all, i don't think that the anxiety that arose from the situation at hand was deserved.  My fears of rejection that filled my head were quickly erased as our short conversation commenced.  I got her phone number, so when the time arises and the holidays have dissapeared, that possibly we can take the first step back into a friendship.   

 so the day is drawing near. the day that I move out of my house and officialy become an adult.  This last year has been horribly weird.  and horrible.  I felt like a child again.  in a way i am excited to move, and scared at the same time.  i like living at home, but living with my mother can be difficult at times.  There are so many things that i am worrying about because i am moving out.  i feel like i am trying to find a new life.  but am i going to find it?  only time will tell.  I am going to make this experience of moving out a new chapter in my life.  because really it is.  I'm going to do new things and become the person i always wanted to be.  even though i dont know exactly who that is.  there is a quote that my sister has on her computer.  life isnt about finding yourself life is about creating yourself.  But what do I want to create myself to be?  Is a lot going to change, or is nothing going to change.  To tell you the truth I am dying for anything to change.  I am so sick and tired of the life that I am living right now.  Don't get me wrong, I think that things have gotten better.  But still, I feel like there is something missing.  I just dont know what that missing part is.  I'm so lonely all the time.  I wish I had friends. 

 I didn't think that it would bother me.  I took the job, because I needed the cash.  But her presence reminds me of what used to be.  When life was so much simpler, yet more complex.  All I want is my friend back.  I don't understand what happened in the first place.  We were like sisters, then everything fell apart, and I don't know why.  I don't know how to react.  I see her, and she sees me, and avoidance is the outcome.  I actually brought myself to say goodbye yesterday, and she looked at me, and then looked the other way.  Am I a disease?  Am I really that horrible that no one wants to be my friend?   Sometimes I write her emails,  but I never get a response back.   Sometimes I wonder what damage I have caused. 

 Wow have things have changed since the last entry.  Well let's start things off with my new apartment.  Yes, I am moving!  Only a town away, but I am somewhat excited and a little stressed.  And with this apartment, I get to use my sister's car, which is a great thing.  Now I have my own apartment and a car to drive.  And I just started a little part time job at CVS.  The job is okay.  It makes me feel better about myself.  That I am actually doing something with my life and not just wasting it.  The money isnt a bad aspect of it either.  And I am going to be taking an online class next semester, which starts January 18.  We move into the apartment on the 1st.  So hopefully everything will be calmed down by then so I can get to working on school work.  But life has been good recently.   I felt soo good the other night.  I had a full day of doing things and it made me really happy.  Wow, I want a rockstar right now.  I guess I am going to end this entry now.  Will talk more later!!!

 So it has been a while since I posted, what else is new.  So this is what has happened since then.  I smoked weed about a month ago.  I was really upset that I did.  I found out that my sister is doing coke and smoking weed again.  What else is new, once again.  She thinks that she is going to be a doctor.  Yeah right.  I don't know many doctors that smoke weed and do coke regularly.  She did a naked photoshoot and now her picture is sprawled all over the internet.  I have lost all respect for her.  She did it for the money.  But she has money.  Makes no sense what so ever.  And now she is becoming a stripper to pay for medical school.  All that money is going to go to drugs.  She worries me sometimes.  Not only is she stick thin, but she is getting herself into some "high risk" situations.  And she is blowing school,  I hardly see her do any work anymore.  As my mom would say, she is "running the roads".  And going nowhere fast.  As I get older I see that my mom is right about a lot of things.  But I still have a compulsion to do things my way.  For example,  I want to take a full load of credits next semester, she wants me to take one online class.  I want to get a car, she says it is too soon and I should wait.  But I dont want my life passing me by, while I do things her way.  If I did things her way, I would be stuck in my house till she died.  I was telling my therapist the other day that people don't see how strong I really am, and that I am not as crazy as people think I am.  My therapist agrees with me.  She says I should go for it.  I don't get much support from my family.  They don't think that I can do anything.  Until I actually do it, then they jump on the bandwagon.  Like when I went to EMT school,  I didn't get much support there.  But when I graduated,  my family started saying congratulations, and came to my graduation ceremony.  I have so many aspirations in life.  But they all get shot down.  I want the typical "American dream"  I want a house with a family, a nice car,  a perfect job, and don't have to worry about money.  And I don't want it when I am 90.  Ugh, life is hard. 

well, like always I haven't posted in a long time.  Me and Darren broke up.  I just spent the last 10 minutes fixing my livejournal user page.  So things kind of suck right now.  As of this moment I'm at Bergen Community College, waiting for my sister to get out of class.  I had to drive her because she "hurt her leg" uh-huh.  Well, she actually did, but she could have drove herself.  The reason I drove is because she has her license suspended.  And, mines not.  I actually like driving so it was not a pressure on me to drive the car.  I haven't driven a car of my own in 2 years, so I am used to sitting at home and watching tv, not going anywhere because I have no friends, and not going to college because I have no car.  I am seriously thinking about going to montclair, where I could just live there, and go to school, be out of my mom's house and just be happy.  Not that I'm not happy in my house, it's not because of my mother, it is because the redundancy of being in that house is driving me out of my mind.  I really need to get a car, pronto.  I don't even want to think about getting drugs.  And I don't.  Because I know where that would bring me.  I just want a normal life again.  Going to school, getting a degree, getting a job, the simple things in life, you know?  Well their not exactly simple, especially in my situation, but they should be in my book...  I just feel like my life is going nowhere.  I'm wasting my life away sitting at home doing nothing, while I should be out doing, something, anything.  But with the lack of a car, I'm totally stranded.  It's not like Florida where you can take a bus anywhere you want to go.  Well, maybe you could, but I'm just to frightened to.  It's amazing, I can move to a different state, and use public transportation, but in my own town, no way!  How ironic.  So, I just wanted to mutter about my life for a bit.  I had the time, and I still do have time, and I don't know what I'm going to do now, because I ran out of things to do on the computer, but I will do something.  What, I don't know, but I will find something to do.         

Current Mood: envious

I am absolutely certain Darren is going to ask me to marry him now. We are talking about wedding plans now. I am so excited! He wants to get married in a church either in Mississippi by his family or up here in Ridgefield Park in St. Francis Church. The only problem. I am not baptized and I have not gone through confirmation. But I would do anything for my baby. I am getting married!!!!!

I don't have a lot of time so I have to make this quick. I am in love, and in a round about way my boyfriend has asked me to marry him. And when he finally does ask me straight out, I'm going to say yes. He comes back from Iraq in May for 2 weeks, then finally comes back in August or September. I'm very, very excited. There was also the pregnancy scare. But I will get into that later. I got to go!

Thanks to the person in lyons colorado that passed my potato!!! Who are you!? and thanks!! On my way to 50!!!

Please visit my potato!

http://www.passthepotato.com/potato-1.php?potatoid=050709010951-792517

Why am I not surprized?

Bush Says Kyoto Would Have 'Wrecked' U.S. Economy

''I couldn't in good faith have signed Kyoto,'' Bush told the Danish Broadcasting Corp., noting that the treaty did not include other nations - including India and China - that he called ''big polluters.''

In Bush's view, the Kyoto treaty's mandatory limits also would not ensure that climate risks would be addressed unless countries like China also make emission cuts. He also says more study is needed to determine whether human activity is primarily to blame for rising temperatures.

The interview was recorded Wednesday at the White House. Bush will visit Denmark next week before going to a G-8 summit in Scotland.

British Prime Minister Tony Blair plans to make cutting greenhouse gas emissions a key theme at the G-8 meeting. On Wednesday, Blair told The Associated Press it was not possible to persuade the United States to implement the Kyoto Protocol.

''There is no point in setting a task that is not achievable,'' Blair said in an exclusive interview with the AP. ''Obviously, there is a disagreement over the Kyoto treaty and you are not going to resolve that disagreement.''

On Thursday, Blair told an MTV audience there would be no solution for global warming without U.S. involvement. The United States is the world's biggest producer of greenhouse gases, which have been blamed for contributing to global warming.

Later in the Danish interview, Bush said the United States was looking for ways to ''diversify away from fossil fuels'' to reduce its dependence on Middle East oil.

''We're hooked on oil from the Middle East, which is a national security problem and an economic security problem,'' Bush said.

Bush also defended his decision to go to war in Iraq even though no evidence was found that Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction as intelligence reports indicated.

''I'm obviously disappointed. I thought we would find weapons of mass destruction, as did the world,'' Bush said. ''It wasn't just our intelligence, nor was it my administration ... President Clinton felt the same way, based upon what everybody thought was solid intelligence.''

Bush insisted the decision to invade Iraq was right.

''Because Saddam Hussein was not only a tyrant, he was a threat to world peace. ... Even though we have haven't found the weapons themselves, we certainly know he had the capacity'' to make them, Bush said.

Bush also said differing reactions to the Sept. 11, 2001, terrorist attacks could explain why some Europeans so strongly disagree with his policies.

''For some people in Europe, Sept. 11 was just a moment, a sad moment,'' he said. ''For me it changed the way I look at the world, and for many Americans it changed the way we look at the world, because we were attacked.''

That's right Bush, everything goes back to Sept. 11.  Hit us where it hurts come on, because that is the only way you know how to defend your dumb actions.  You can tell how conceided this man is, September 11 isn't about us being attacked, but the discourse of the world.  I understand the man has a job, but seriously, everything with that man is Iraq and protecting our precious oil supply.  Here's an idea, lets take some of that intense concentration you have on preserving our precious oil supply, and put it into finding a more efficient, economically, and ecologically sound product?  We all know there are alternatives.    I like this article.  Because it brings up a lot of the dumb things Bush has said and done, and confirms in my belief that our country could be run better by an ape that speaks sign language. 

Today wasn't so bad.  Martin came by tonight, made me happy.  We watched my old home movies and talked.  I cant wait, we are going to go to a trance festival in Canada. 

Eclipse Summer Trance Festival for Dance, Music, Art, and Peace

July 29th, 30th, and 31st in Quebec, Canada

ECLIPSE 2005: SUMMER TRANCE FESTIVAL .5th edition

Friday 29th July 2005

*Recieved in an email from JohnKerry.com*


We have only 24 to 48 hours to try and save the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

The Republicans are trying to sneak legislation through the Senate approving oil drilling and they are incredibly close to winning. We have to stop them.

I am joining with Senator Maria Cantwell (D-Washington) in offering a critical amendment to stop this sneak attack on our environment. We will fight on the floor of the Senate, but we need you by our side.

There are seven key Republican Senators whose votes will decide the future of the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge. Before they vote, we need to make sure they know that their constituents are watching, and that they will not be able to support drilling without anybody noticing.

Here are two critical steps we can take together to support our amendment to protect this National Wildlife Refuge:

1. Join the Citizens' Roll Call
First of all, take part in a massive fast-moving display of citizen support for the Arctic Refuge. Sign our Cantwell-Kerry Citizens' Roll Call now.

http://www.johnkerry.com/RollCall

To make our Citizens' Roll Call impossible to ignore, we have alerted the media, environmental advocates and my fellow Senators to a scrolling display of the names and home towns of the roll call signers. It is posted on our johnkerry.com website, where we hope to soon add your name and a running tally of the number of citizens on our Citizens' Roll Call.

2. Bring the fight to the home states of the seven senators
We need to launch emergency online advertising campaigns in the home states of those seven critical senators: Senator Coleman (MN), Senator Smith (OR), Senator Specter (PA), Senator Martinez (FL), Senator Lugar (IN), and Senators Gregg and Sununu (NH).

We need your help to bring our Save the Arctic Refuge message home in these six states. Help us fund an emergency ad campaign to make sure they know how strongly the people they represent feel about protecting the Arctic. Please make an emergency donation right now.

http://contribute.johnkerry.com/

When Senator Cantwell, myself and other Senators stand up in support of the Cantwell-Kerry Amendment, we will have powerful arguments on our side. (I have recapped some of those arguments at the end of this email message)

But, to win, we need to be able to report directly to our Senate colleagues that massive numbers of citizens around the country - and in their own states - are rising up to demand that the Senate protect the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

That's why your immediate signature is so critical.

http://www.johnkerry.com/RollCall

The Bush Administration and its oil industry allies want to send a message that they can drill for oil wherever and whenever they want to - even if it means targeting a place as striking, pristine and irreplaceable as the Arctic National Wildlife Refuge.

They don't care about putting America on a genuine path to energy independence. If they did, they'd support efforts to increase energy conservation and to create clean, renewable sources of energy that no terrorist can sabotage and no foreign government can seize.

Let me be very direct with you. It is going to take an immediate and impossible-to-ignore display of grassroots support to stop them. That's why your decision to sign our Cantwell-Kerry Amendment Citizens' Roll Call is so crucial.

Thank you for acting quickly on this vital request.

John Kerry



P.S. Senator Cantwell, who comes from a state in the heart of the Pacific Northwest, has - at considerable political risk - courageously stepped forward to join me in leading this fight. We need you to help us win it.

http://www.johnkerry.com/RollCall

HERE ARE YOUR SAVE THE ARCTIC REFUGE TALKING POINTS
The Arctic National Wildlife Refuge's 19 million acres comprise one of the last places on earth where an intact expanse of arctic and sub arctic lands remains protected.
Drilling in the Arctic Refuge can't make even a small dent in meeting America's energy needs. U.S. Geological Survey scientists estimate that there is very likely only enough oil to supply America's needs for six months. And oil companies admit that, even that, won't be available for at least 10 years.
An irreplaceable natural treasure, the Arctic Refuge is home to caribou, polar bears, grizzly bears, wolves, golden eagles, snow geese and more. Millions of other birds use the Arctic Refuge to nest and as a critical staging area on their migratory journeys.
Of course, the Arctic Refuge supports more than wildlife. For a thousand generations, the Gwich'in people of Northeast Alaska and Northwest Canada have depended on it and lived in harmony with it. To them, the Arctic Coastal Plain is sacred ground.


Guys, this is important, dont let these people fuck up our planet more than it is...
Sign the roll call!

So, I have been obviously very busy. My life has been filled with unexpected twists and turns. The surprizing thing is, that all of these twists and turns have filled my existance with an admiration for life. In the past, diverting from the path of the straight and narrow threw my mind into disarray. Now, I find that the path without a trail is the one that I like more. It's me. I think that it is the unpredictability that keeps me going now.

I had an amazing time at leadership weekend. It was the best weekend of my life. I think that it is just what I needed. I met amazing people, and I couldn't have asked for better friends. They are instant understanding. I really feel that I belong to a little family now.

Martin, why are you so cute?

It must be that macedonian accent. 

            ;)

I am going away for a couple of days to the Poconos.  Going on trip with school.  And I am in no mood for a very long bus ride. 

 But..Anyway...

  *HAPPY BIRTHDAY HEATHER!!!*

                                                             ~ *21* ~  

Why you should wish Heather a Happy Birthday!

1. She is the nicest person you will ever meet
2. She is one of those people who actually cares about anything and everything
3. You can talk to her about anything 
4. She respects everyone 
5. You always feel welcomed in her presence
6. She is a smart cookie
7. She has a beautiful soul
8. She is a fun person, a kid at heart
9. She will make you laugh
10. SHE DESERVES IT! Happy BDay!  I hope your Birthday is filled with everything you would ever want